Who am I?

Who am I?

Does anyone else find themselves asking themselves this question? It came to me this morning at work and I realized that I have no idea who I am. This little kernel was also planted in my head the other day when I was talking with my dad on our daily, hourly, commute to work.

We were talking about college, and how I still felt some guilt over them paying for the bulk of my degree. Now, I did not go to a huge, fancy, expensive college, AND college cost significantly less 10 (eep) years ago than it does now, but it was still a lot of money. I wouldn’t think twice about it except that, minus a 4 month stint after I graduated, I have not had a job in my degree field in the 7 (really?) years since I graduated.

See, I got a degree in Anthropology, with a concentration in Archaeology. At the time, it was the best decision I ever made. That was the lifestyle that I craved, desired, loved. To 18-year-old Kristi, the nomadic lifestyle was the only lifestyle. Living in hotels sounded exotic, traveling the world and recording the lives of humans, both living and non, immersing myself in cultures, being the lone world, OMG it was a dream come true.

And for the 4 years I was in college, I was living the dream. I had a wonderful amount of experiences, met some amazing people, and loved my life. I was able to do archaeology work at several Presidential homes, pre-historic sites, colonial era sites, and everything in between. I formed bonds with people who were just like me, and found people just like me, for (what seemed like) the first time ever.

Then I graduated and realized that I didn’t want the nomadic life anymore. I had a cat, and a boyfriend, and realized that things like health benefits and a steady paycheck were a good thing. Full-time jobs in archaeology, within commuting distance of my home, were non-existent. So I went into retail, and from retail into education, and here I am.

What was I saying? Oh yeah! Identity. So dad and I were talking about how I don’t actually use my degree, and he goes “We (he and my mom) always knew you wouldn’t use your degree after you graduated, that wasn’t the point. The point was having a degree in general, and getting into the world, and just seeing you fit in to a group of people and be so happy to belong to a group was worth every penny.”

Cue…the waterworks. Especially because that group has since dispersed. Some of us keep up on Facebook, sharing wedding announcements and baby pictures, some I haven’t spoken to since they/I graduated. The group that I felt so happy being part of…has since moved on without me.

The real reason it cues the waterworks, though, is because I no longer feel like I belong anywhere. In fact, I no longer feel like I even have an identity. Due to a variety of reasons, I started shedding everything that had made me special or unique and became this…I don’t even know how to describe it. Indescript? Unnoticable? Empty?

Well, no more! I now will consider myself to not have an identity, but consider myself to be a blank canvas where I can discover who I am now. I’m not the same person I was in high school, or even college, so simply sliding back into those identities would not work, but I have the ability to rediscover myself, and that’s exactly what I am going to do.

Loss Journal

I’ve been reading this book   and it’s been pretty mind-opening to me. The first bit is on loss, and how loss affects us in so many ways, years and years later. I’ll admit, I cried pretty hard reading that section, so I advise for you to read it alone, or warn your loved ones that it’s going to make you weepy.

In the book, Lama Surya Das tells us to make a journal of our losses, because by better understanding what we have lost, we are able to move ahead. Sometimes they are big losses, something they are small. All are equal in our mind, and we must work to let go of them all.

Here are the losses that I come up with right off the bat. I am not going to list which are big and which are small in this post, but maybe I will after time for reflection. Big or small, they have stuck in my head, so they are likely still having an impact on me today. They are not in chronological order, just as they come into my mind

- My high school and college diary which was thrown away on accident by my husband

- The two pregnancies that resulted in early miscarriage

- Innocence and pure-joy of being pregnant which was lost both by the former miscarriages, and by a sub-chrionic hematoma that sent me to the ER early in my last (successful!) pregnancy

- Desert Storm. I was only 5, but we lost our home, our friends, and our safety net all in one day. I will write a post on that later.

- Lost faith in my body due to infertility struggles

- First break-up

- Loss of my image of life as a mother 

- the reality of me and my husband becoming parents, vs what I thought it would be like

- Loss of confidence in myself

- First time I owed taxes when I expected a refund

- First time my job was threatened

- Loss of a cookie shit (somewhat joking, but seriously, where did it go? It bugs me at night)

- Lost friends

- Deaths of pets

- Loss of time, or rather, losing the ability to get done what I needed to do 100% of the time

- Loss of memories

- Loss of energy

- Lost ability to cook (where did it go? It just went poof)

- The fear I felt when told I had gestational diabetes (loss of control, loss of confidence, loss of fairness in the world)

- Having to turn in my beloved VW Passat

- Having credit card debt (loss of financial control)

- Loss of identity (I just don’t know who I am anymore)

- Not knowing what I want to do/be

- My husband (accidentally!) wacking the head off my Amarylis plant right before it bloomed

- My gardens falling victim to the weed-wacker every spring

- Loss of control over my body (it just doesn't go back the same after giving birth)

- Losing my car keys when K was only a few weeks old which made me late for dinner at my parent's house

- losing a library book (I swear, there's a black-hole somewhere in my house where this stuff gets sucked into an alternate universe)

- where does that second sock always end up?

- having to replace our fridge when K was little

- losing power when I was 39 weeks pregnant. It was 100F out. It sucked

- losing power when K was around 1 years old. I had a chest freezer filled to the top with a breastmilk stash so that I wouldn't have to continue pumping at work. It was fine, but it was a terrifying 6 hours without power

- being in contract negotiations for a house for 8 months, only to have to walk away and start over again

Top 10 Mantras for a new life

Top 10 Mantras to begin my new life 

Okay, so first I feel like I need to put in a disclaimer so no one panics or calls CPS or something. I have no intention (zero, nada,, zilch) of actually leaving my family and starting a new life. My new life starts within, and will soon encompass everyone who is in my current life, and maybe are being dragged through the muck with me.

1) Let it go, and let it be. – I dwell on things hardcore. It’s not healthy and it’s not helpful. I will let things go and let the past be, while taking those lessons and using them in a positive manner

2) The past is the past, I cannot change it. – Basic, but true. I will go over a past event in my head a thousand times, each time getting more depressed/angry/upset. Does this accomplish anything? No, it does not. I will acknowledge my mistakes or disappointments, and then I will move on.

3) I relinquish un-met expectations – Did I mention I dwell on the past? I think I actually get more angry about things I wanted to happen, but didn’t, than I do about things that actually happened.

4) I will do the best I can – What more can you ask for than that?

5) I will accept that doing the best I can, may not equal perfection – Because that’s what "the best" is in my my head. My best no longer has to be perfect, and expecting perfection is setting myself up for disappointment.

6) I am thankful for what I have – I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful house, stable finances, and everything my family needs to go about our day to day lives.

7) No time, no whine – This applies to so much. In fact, this was the mantra that allowed me to lose 20 pounds fairly painlessly. I will not whine about my weight unless I am putting in the time to work out and eat healthily. I will not whine about how messy my house is unless I am putting in the time to clean it.

8) I trust in the universe – I’m working on this one. Some day’s it is very hard though.

9) I am who I chose to be – This is a hard one to stomach. I cannot change the actions, thoughts, or attitudes of other but I can control my actions, thoughts, and attitude.

10) I am worth it – I may not believe this one yet, but I will.