Who am I?

Who am I?

Does anyone else find themselves asking themselves this question? It came to me this morning at work and I realized that I have no idea who I am. This little kernel was also planted in my head the other day when I was talking with my dad on our daily, hourly, commute to work.

We were talking about college, and how I still felt some guilt over them paying for the bulk of my degree. Now, I did not go to a huge, fancy, expensive college, AND college cost significantly less 10 (eep) years ago than it does now, but it was still a lot of money. I wouldn’t think twice about it except that, minus a 4 month stint after I graduated, I have not had a job in my degree field in the 7 (really?) years since I graduated.

See, I got a degree in Anthropology, with a concentration in Archaeology. At the time, it was the best decision I ever made. That was the lifestyle that I craved, desired, loved. To 18-year-old Kristi, the nomadic lifestyle was the only lifestyle. Living in hotels sounded exotic, traveling the world and recording the lives of humans, both living and non, immersing myself in cultures, being the lone world, OMG it was a dream come true.

And for the 4 years I was in college, I was living the dream. I had a wonderful amount of experiences, met some amazing people, and loved my life. I was able to do archaeology work at several Presidential homes, pre-historic sites, colonial era sites, and everything in between. I formed bonds with people who were just like me, and found people just like me, for (what seemed like) the first time ever.

Then I graduated and realized that I didn’t want the nomadic life anymore. I had a cat, and a boyfriend, and realized that things like health benefits and a steady paycheck were a good thing. Full-time jobs in archaeology, within commuting distance of my home, were non-existent. So I went into retail, and from retail into education, and here I am.

What was I saying? Oh yeah! Identity. So dad and I were talking about how I don’t actually use my degree, and he goes “We (he and my mom) always knew you wouldn’t use your degree after you graduated, that wasn’t the point. The point was having a degree in general, and getting into the world, and just seeing you fit in to a group of people and be so happy to belong to a group was worth every penny.”

Cue…the waterworks. Especially because that group has since dispersed. Some of us keep up on Facebook, sharing wedding announcements and baby pictures, some I haven’t spoken to since they/I graduated. The group that I felt so happy being part of…has since moved on without me.

The real reason it cues the waterworks, though, is because I no longer feel like I belong anywhere. In fact, I no longer feel like I even have an identity. Due to a variety of reasons, I started shedding everything that had made me special or unique and became this…I don’t even know how to describe it. Indescript? Unnoticable? Empty?

Well, no more! I now will consider myself to not have an identity, but consider myself to be a blank canvas where I can discover who I am now. I’m not the same person I was in high school, or even college, so simply sliding back into those identities would not work, but I have the ability to rediscover myself, and that’s exactly what I am going to do.