A lesson from Pioneer Woman

Pioneer Woman is one blog that I love to peruse, mostly for recipes (although I feel daunted to try any of her recipes because, well, I suck at cooking lol).

I also like to read over her Dear Pioneer Woman section, because Dee really has some incredible advice. This particular letter struck a cord with me. See, our kid is almost 2 years old, but not 2 months old, but we still feel this way. I am "at work" (I consider the commute time "at work" hence the quotes) from 6:45 am until 5:30pm. My husband has a constantly changing schedule, but frequently his shifts are 4am to 2pm, noon to 10pm, or 9am to 7pm. Then add in the overtime he has to work and...well...we don't get much time.

To make it worse, the time we DO get together it usually tense, because we have to fill it with the parts of being an adult, parent, couple that are not to pleasant. The cleaning, the bill paying, the talks about raising K, bath time and bed time and packing lunches and...you get the idea.

It's a confession I hate to make, but there have been several times in the past two years that the big D word has flitted through my mind. Times when I realize/admit that neither one of us are getting what we need, emotionally or physically, from one another. Times when I wondered if it was worth all the work when, at times, there seemed to be nothing positive coming from the situation.

And no, it's not the kid. It's just life. But we both come from families who have set us up with mindsets that you fix a relationship, not give up on it, and so we keep trying to find ways to reconnect. I love the ways Dee suggests below, and they are all things we used to do (like text "Good morning" to each other every day when we worked odd shifts). So I'm going to start doing them again, and hopefully he will start doing them back, and we can start workings towards giving each other what we need once again.


From www.thepioneerwoman.com

Dear Pioneer Woman,

My husband and I have been married for three years and were blessed 2 months ago with a baby girl. He is a police officer that works in the evening and I have a traditional “day job”. We hardly ever get to see each other anymore due to our schedules and when we do we are exhausted from baby wrangling and work. Do you have any advice on keeping the romance alive for new parents, specifically those that can’t always be in the same place due to schedules?

Thanks!

Working Woman

Dear Working:

Oh, I know this must be tough. Baby exhaustion is a profound phenomenon, and if you throw in two diametrically different work schedules, it can make things even more complicated.

First of all, keep in mind that your baby won’t be a baby forever. While life will always be busy for you (welcome to parenthood!) there will come a time when she’s sleeping better and is easier to care for.

That said, it’s still important for you and your husband to maintain a connection during this time of exhaustion. You don’t say whether you’re together at night or whether he works all night. But if so, I think the best thing you can do is to find small ways to let him know you’re thinking about him and that he’s important to you.

Example: Tuck a note into his wallet (use colored paper so it’ll be noticeable) so that when he pulls it out, he’ll see it. And it doesn’t even have to be an elaborate love letter; just a simple “Love you, honey” will go a long way. “I’ll miss you tonight,” “Hurry home,” or (not to bring my own issues into this) “I love your muscles” are some other ideas.

I know you’re just as busy as he is, but if you ever have a window to whip up some cookies, you could wrap up a few and stick them in his vehicle so he’ll have something to take with him when he’s on duty. (Or, if he’s more of a health nut, homemade granola bars would work.)

Another thing to consider is the importance of making the most of your time when youare together. Turn off your computer, put down your phone. Talk about work, talk about current events, talk about the things you talked about when you were dating and falling in love. In other words, don’t let your conversation be dictated by diapers and spit-up and bathtime. You can change diapers and clean spit-up and give your baby a bath, just talk about interesting things with your husband while you do it. It’ll remind you both that the world is still spinning out there.

(Note: If your husband had written me, I’d be giving him his own set of tips and pointers for how to keep the romance alive. It goes both ways, but if you start taking steps in that direction, chances are he will too.)

Hang in there! I get it. Big time.

Pee-Dubya

Happy Anniversary to me!

It’s hard to believe that I have been married for 4 years (and 1 day, if we’re being specific). Some days, I say “it’s only been 4 years?” and others “wow, 4 years already?”, but yep, there it is. A lot has happened in 4 years, good and bad, happy and not. There is an ebb and flow with relationships, just as there is with anything else in life. We’ve had some hard moments, and there are still some struggles that we are working on but, ultimately, we’re in it for the long haul. 

Here are some highlights (I like highlights) - 

- Honeymoon at Disney, our first (and only as of now) vacation when it was truly just the 2 of us) 

- Buying our first house 

- Finding out I was pregnant and giving birth 

- Having a family of 3 instead of a family of 2 

And some challenges 

- The house hunting process. We began looking for houses in March 2009, intending to put in an offer shortly after we got married in May 2009. We were up against two deadlines that happened on the same day, the expiration of the housing credit and our lease ending, both on Nov 30th. Both were extended which was good, as we didn’t close on our house (the 3rd house we had a contract on, by the way) until April 30th 2010 

- Getting pregnant. It took me 14 cycles to get pregnant, and it was hard. I still don’t know if my husband realizes how hard it was, and part of that is because I kept it hidden. It was my dark secret that I had two miscarriages (both at 6 weeks) and my emotions running with the fertility issues. 

- Struggling with finances. I think this is present with every marriage. Credit card debt, loans, you name it, we have it. But it is slowly going away, and all progress is good. 

- Adjusting to a family of 3 instead of 2 individuals who share a life. Trust me, having a baby changes everything. 

So…I guess if I were to offer advice for those who are thinking about getting married or are newlywed it would be this (and yes, I often need to read my own advice because I’m bad at taking it) 

1) Communicate. Always, always communicate 

2) Take pleasure in the little things. Life is big, and life moves quickly. Make sure to treasure the good moments when they come. 

3) Remember that everything has an ending. If things are looking bad, remember that at some point, it has to change. Do what you can to make the change for the positive. 

4) Tell your spouse what you need. Whether it’s a hug, a clean kitchen, or a talk, don’t expect them to just read your mind. 

5) Go to counseling, even if you are in the good times. (See, this is where I don’t listen to my own advice, but you should!!!)

Oh, and in case you are wondering what we got each other for our anniversary. He bought me a cookie sheet (YES!!!) since my toddler-ninja-magician has hidden my only good one, and I gave him 30 minutes of toddler-free video game time (which is a rare occurrence now that our toddler has learned she just had to grab daddy's controller and run away to get his attention)